What I wish someone told me about what marriage is really like…
I got married about a year ago. And while that doesn’t seem like a long time, coming up to a year of marriage as a brown and Muslim couple can be one that is filled with great challenges and vulnerabilities. Yet, we never talk about what these are, or even what healthy ways of coping with them could be. So, let me share with you some things I wish I was told as well.
Your trauma’s show up louder than you think
Often times, our partners bear the brunt of our reactions that stem from our childhood experiences, previous relational dynamics or trauma. For me, I was so used to my own independence and freedom that at any moment of tension (this could range from small disagreement to just feeling occasionally anxious) I felt the urge to run away. While I chalked up my sudden plans and ability to travel suddenly before marriage as my spontaneous nature, I soon realized I had a habit of quite literally “escaping” my feelings. This hit me like a ton of bricks when I felt the familiar urge to run away creep back in, all while in the comfort of my home, tucked under my blanket. So, what did I do? At first, I felt panic, I felt like I was stuck somewhere with nowhere out and by not suddenly leaving, I would be endangering myself. But at this point I had done enough years in therapy to understand how emotions work, and just accepted my feelings like waves on a beach, just observing how I felt as the tides collapsed into each other, and eventually, all that was left was the gentle waves and smooth sands. I share this with you because so many times in our community, I see couples that are struggling because they think they made a mistake marrying someone because they still feel moment of panic or confusion. Sometimes, it’s more about understanding our own triggers and reactions that can allow us to bond deeper with our partners as a pathway to understanding, an opportunity to connect and meet yourself with compassion.You feel like you are losing yourself, and that can be a good thing
When I first got married, I also moved to a different city five hours away from my home-town and felt the sudden change as an electric shock to my system. While I did have the support of my in-laws and husband, so much of it felt like I was losing my own sense of identity. I couldn’t relate to the past version of me, and hadn’t quite figured out who this new version was. With time, I realized that it wasn’t that I was losing myself, but rather that I was in a moment of transition. I also had to accept that this change was a good thing, the single version of me operated differently, and who I was as a wife, as a woman, changed when I leaned into this new adventure of marriage. I still nurtured parts of myself, but I also now had new parts that needed tender love and care. Learning to accept that allowed me to accept myself as who I am in this new chapter.Protecting yourself against peoples projections
I dont know what it is, but something about getting married changess the way people percieve/treat you. This is especially true in many South Asian cultures. You get treated with more respect at times, other times you get flooded with unsolicited advice, the list goes on. It is so easy to loose yourself in the madness, but one thing that I learned was completely block out all outside noise. I had people attempting to plant seeds of doubt in my relationship by making nasty comments about my partner. I learned quickly to put up boundaries around my relationship so that no outside voice caused cracks, and also became extremely protective over who or what I share. This was integral in feeling peace and joy within my union.How to cultivate healthy space
The first year of marriage comes with many “firsts”, which is why it can be easy to loose yourself in the “settling down” part of it all, especially if you are also navigating a physical move on top of it all. The to-do list can get so large, and before we know it, we stop doing things that make us feel whole or nourished. This is exactly why having partner that encourages you to pour into your own cup becomes integral. I really needed this reminder to keep going out and doing things that nourished me outside of my relationship so that I can keep coming back and choose my partner with a full heart. We are communal beings and we need a whole group of people around us to nurture different parts. Having healthy space to do that helped me feel so good becauses I had space to still be creative, adventurous and share about all my joys with my partner and vice versa.Sometimes, you will still feel anxious, and your partner can’t fix it
One of the biggest misconception about a marriage can be that your partner has the ability to fix all your troubles (especially emotional ones). The truth is, sometimes people feel anxiety or sadness just because that is a normal part of human life. Learning to build emotional resiliency so that we accept these emotions without immediate judgement or the need to “fix” is so important, at least it was for me, because it allowed me to ride the waves of life with grace, rather than being swept up by it.
I hope this list was helpful to you if you or anyone you know is in this stage of life. Change (good or bad) is always difficult but being compassionate with yourself is so important. If you want to check out a video format of this article, check out our instagram!
With care,
Maham
Recipe for creating home from scratch.
I write to you a recipe that I have been experimenting with. After moving from my home city of Ottawa, I found myself in new surroundings and trying to remember what the recipe was to create a home.
I stood in my kitchen, scratching my head, thinking how unfortunate it was that I didn’t write it down somewhere. I guess I only had my memory to work with now, but memory is a funny thing to rely on for recipes. But nevertheless, after much experimentation, here we are. So, let us get stared:
One cup of comfort, sifted.
One cup safety blended with above.
A heaping tablespoon of warmth and love,
and a dash or two of naps at noon.
A little sprinkle of whimsy and glee,
a teaspoon of serenity.
Then mix it together with compassion and grace,
and you are off towards building a happy place.
To garnish with notes of sadness is fine, for a home
made from scratch welcomes all “good”, “bad”, and “sublime”.
Now you can adjust curiosity and adventure to taste,
after all, it is your place.
For my home, this start should do just fine,
but for you, feel free to take more or little time.
To start a home from scratch is no easy task indeed,
but I hope this recipe helps you start with ease.